Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Getting the Boot

Maybe it's the cynical frame of mind I possess, but as I was driving around, when the thought crossed my mind, "What would a priest have to do to get moved from the parish he is currently assigned, but at the same time not get his faculties suspended?" I ask this as an abstract question of interest and not to express any dissatisfaction with my current assignment.

Back to the question at hand. What would it take? And I think I came up with the winner. Those who have small children and weak stomachs should not read any further. You are warned.

Imagine that it is the Christmas vigil Mass. At the homily time, the priest invites all those precocious youngsters around him so that he can give them a very special homily. He begins, "Kids, I wanted to tell you a very special secret, a secret that your parents haven't told you. Boys and girls, there is no Santa. Nope, no one at all. All those guys you see at the mall are fakes meant to trick you. Your mommy and daddy put out all the presents after you get sleepy and go to bed. Then they cruelly eat the cookies you left for him. On Christmas morning, you come bounding down the stairs and you are filled with happiness and bliss, but it is all based on a lie."

He pauses dramatically, and then continues, "Now, I know your mommies and daddies are good mommies and daddies, and I hear them tell you that they love you very much. But how do you know that's true? After all, they lied about Santa; how do you know that they aren't lying about loving you? If I were you, I would stay up all night just to make sure that mommy and daddy aren't doing or saying other things to you/about you when you are asleep. Merry Christmas, all you delightful moppets."

Yeah, clearly, I was not meant to have children...

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